Friday, December 26, 2014

10 Worst Films of 2014

While the year is not yet done, especially in cinematic terms as I usually don't flip over my movie calendar until the Academy Awards, I have soaked myself in plenty of horseshit this year and I believe I am finished seeing films that I am likely to loathe. Therefore, I feel the time is right to lay out the ten movies I truly hated the most in 2014.


10. Nymphomaniac: Volume II





My Review of Nymphomaniac Volume II

I can't take credit for this quote, it was said by another user on a film site I frequent, but I think it so perfectly describes Nymphomaniac: Volume II: I love movies and I love porn. This was neither.

Boring. So boring. Surprisingly uninteresting in subject matter too, as you would think at the very least the story of a nymphomaniac would be shocking enough to keep the viewer's attention. I couldn't care less what happened to the characters, the dialogue did nothing for me, I was already mentally moving on to something else by the half way point and I had to force myself to sit through the rest and properly evaluate the film, as I previously have enjoyed the work by Lars von Trier and thought perhaps I would extract something eventually. I didn't.


9. Let's Be Cops





My Review of Let's Be Cops

A comedy completely void of humor. Uh oh. I didn't laugh once. I didn't even crack a smile.

I believe I heard this was quite successful financially and thus has earned a sequel. They will probably be cops again and absolutely nothing clever or of merit will occur for 90 minutes. Sign me up!


8. The Purge: Anarchy





My Review of The Purge: Anarchy

The part that bothers me the most about this terrible sequel is that I actually had hope for it. That's not even something I can fault the movie for, that's on me. When I first heard the concept of the original Purge, I was cautiously optimistic that it could be interesting, a commentary about a the deep flaws of humanity inside a low budget horror film. What we ended up getting was Ethan Hawke stumbling around his house for 80 some minutes, and it was atrocious. The film had absolutely nothing interesting to say, it was just the set up for a completely generic, boring home invasion premise.

When the sequel rolled around, I saw clips of people out in the streets, out in the middle of the purge and I thought alright, here we go. Perhaps this will give us something to actually chew on, a little bit of subtext underneath these events. Nope. Nothing. Merely an exercise in moving from one set piece to the next with the possibility of death hanging over everyone, but who cares? I sure didn't.


7. Pompeii 





A film about the incredible true story of the eruption of Mount Vesuvius and the massive loss of life as a result? In the last 30 minutes, sort of. A love story involving a slave and the daughter of the man who rules the city? It's there, but briefly and with absolutely zero chemistry. So what is Pompeii really about? Well, a majority of the film is just terribly choreographed sword fighting. This crap fest is like the love child of Titanic and Gladiator, except only half the running time and with absolutely nothing complimentary to say about it, unlike those two films that birthed it.

I haven't seen the nominations for the Razzie awards yet, but if Kiefer Sutherland isn't nominated for his role in Pompeii, than those "awards" are an even bigger joke than they admit to being.


6. I, Frankenstein





My Review of I, Frankenstein

A film so terrible that I actually spent the entire time watching it developing an idea for a television series about Frankenstein attending college. No, seriously. Check out the review above and let me know if I should pitch the concept of Yo, Frankenstein to networks.


5. 3 Days to Kill





My Review of 3 Days to Kill

I will say this about 3 Days to Kill, at least I remember it. Not in a good way, as just seeing the title again made me emit a pained laugh. McG directs (your first sign this is gonna suck) this story about Kevin Costner having cancer and getting an offer from Amber Heard which basically consists of kill these three people and you will get the cure. She just kinda has a needle with this wonder drug in it. I guess you just have to be pretty and pretend to be a bad ass to come with some amazing scientific shit.

This terribly executed main premise also tries to balance a father reconnects with his daughter side story, and it sucks. I don't know how else to put it, it's awful. Costner and his daughter have no chemistry on screen and their dialogue is a joke, and they spend so much time trying to develop this relationship that you forget what the original stakes of the film were in the first place, only for them to get back to the action and then you recall, oh, right, he has to kill The Albino to save his life. That's the name of the big bad guy. The Albino.

Such a terrible film.


4. Need for Speed





Oh Aaron Paul. After Breaking Bad, I was willing to follow you anywhere, as proven by the fact that I sat through every awful second of the film Need for Speed, which had one really funny scene in which the dipshit dude driving the one car way too fast on a road full of innocent people blows himself up. That's the only scene I really remember, and not for the reasons it was going for, as you could tell it was actually striving for emotional resonance. I thought it was really funny, until I remember that he was the only victim. All these other completely terrible characters lived, and thus the driving of cars and terrible writing and ridiculous performances would continue.


3. Winter's Tale





My Review of Winter's Tale

I'm still convinced this was actually intended on being a practical joke, but the studio was too dumb to catch it so they green-lit it anyways. I refuse to accept anything else. How could people with actual talent be involved in the production of this tripe and take it seriously? Perhaps that explains the bloated, absurd 60 million dollar budget, the checks to the actors were so above the norm they were willing to be a part of this disaster as a cash grab.


2. The Legend of Hercules





To be clear, this isn't the one with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in it that was released as a summer blockbuster. Whenever I told people I saw this train wreck, they thought I was referring to that film. No, the other Hercules movie that was released in 2014, the one with Kellan Lutz in it. Who the hell is Kellan Lutz, you may be asking? I have seen the movie and I don't know. I don't care either. This was just a giant bag of crap from beginning to end, and if it were another year it may just be the worst, but not in 2014...


1. A Million Ways to Die in the West





My review of A Million Ways to Die in the West

Just having to list this atrocity makes me angry all over again. The only thing I could not finish watching released in 2014, and notice I said thing. I refuse to refer to this as a film, or a picture, or a movie. It isn't worthy of those distinctions. This was nearly a death blow to comedy as a whole, as not only is there no single split second worthy of a laugh, it is actually offensively awful and insulting to the audience watching it.

Seth MacFarlane has done some funny and entertaining things in the past, but A Million Ways to Die in the West is something he should have to apologize for. Without a doubt, the worst film I saw in 2014.


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