Thursday, December 11, 2014

3 Days to Kill Review

I don't know who wrote this film. I don't want to know. It will keep me up at night knowing people got paid pretty damn well to do so. This strange pile of awful dialogue, bizarre tonal shifts and unfortunate attempts at humor isn't even worthy of being a Saturday night Lifetime channel film.

So Kevin Costner has cancer, and he kills people for a living. He gets an offer that could save his life, kill three people or something, and his cancer is cured. It's just that simple, apparently. So that is the main plot of the movie, or so it seems, because it spends so much time jumping around from one thing to the next that by the time you get back to the cancer/kill plan, you have to be reminded what the stakes were again in the first place.

The real center of this film is a totally lifeless story about a father trying to reconnect with his daughter. He teaches her how to ride a bike, and dance, and at one point he rescues her from some ghoulish hooligans at a rave. Oh shit, what was his mission again? That's right. Kill some dudes, and your cancer disappears. Gotcha.

3 Days to Kill is a total mess. It is never once compelling, never touching, and never funny. I have made it clear that my own daughter greatly affects my perception of films, because my love for her makes me very emotional in regards to certain story lines. Here we have a film that is literally about the love a man has for his daughter, and I was laughing out loud every time it attempted to be a poignant moment between them.

I also laughed out loud every time the main bad guy was mentioned. "The albino is coming." Oh dear God, what a boring, absurd nightmare of a film.


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