Monday, February 1, 2016

Dirty Grandpa Review

Okay, I want you to do something for me. Go right now and find some notable quotes from the film Dirty Grandpa.

Did you do it? Did you read them all?

First, I'm sorry. Second, congratulations. You no longer need to see the film. Those quotes you read? That's every line in the movie. It's just Robert De Niro saying crude, gross, sexist, homophobic things for 90 minutes, and maybe that works for you. My biggest problem with Dirty Grandpa isn't that I found it completely unfunny, because humor is extremely subjective and what I laugh at others aren't guaranteed to connect with either. No, my biggest problem is just how lazy and tired the whole thing felt, a script trying so hard to be oozing out of the toilet that instead it feels like it has already been flushed down over and over again. 

Jason (Zac Efron) is at his grandma's funeral when he is asked by his grandfather Dick (unfortunately portrayed by the legendary Robert De Niro) to drive him back to his home in Boca Raton, Florida. Jason isn't really interested in doing so, and neither is his stick in the mud controlling fiance Meredith (Julianne Hough), because of course she is no fun and mean to him. Without that we couldn't have the predictable set up where he meets someone else on the road who is fun and encourages him to be him, and apparently no comedy film can function without such relationships. Also, there is a scene in which Jason has Meredith on the phone and she can hear chaos happening around him and is angry, wondering what he is doing. It's as if this entire concept, relationship and sequence was just lifted from The Hangover.

Despite any objections, Jason does agree to drive his grandpa and when he arrives to pick him up to start their journey, Dick is furiously masturbating to loud pornography. Robert De Niro. Mean Streets. The Godfather: Part II. Taxi Driver. The Deer Hunter. Raging Bull. Goodfellas. Casino. Heat. These were just off the top of my head. Robert De Niro, ridiculously masturbating in a train wreck disaster of a comedy. In case you didn't look up those quotes, here are a few:

"I want to fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!"

"I'd rather let Queen Latifah shit in my mouth from a fucking hot air balloon."

"Well I got news for ya, that's the only thing that's gonna be pulling out tonight."

Watching this man say these things is not okay, and this goes on for 90 straight minutes.

If Dirty Grandpa is not the worst film I see from 2016, that's terrible news. That means I am going to sit through something totally dreadful and even more embarrassing in the relatively near future.



  1. The sad thing is the trailer looked funny, at least for me. It's very disappointing that everybody says comedy is subjective, but when it comes to this film everybody hates it and the comedy. Of course I haven't seen it, but yeah....weird coincidence.

    1. Cody, the trailer would work better because it has to tone down the overly dirty nature of the whole thing at least a bit AND because frankly, this deserves to be a trailer and nothing more. A short film concept. 90 minutes of this, watching a legend walk around saying absolutely nothing but gross, insensitive things gets tiresome early and it never ever stops. It also lessens the impact of the jokes, because being "shocking" doesn't work for long before it becomes redundant.

  2. A. I can't believe you sat through this.
    B. I can't believe you gave it 1/2 a star.

    You are a stronger person than me.

    1. I have this strange attraction to films that everyone says are awful. In some cases because I genuinely think I might disagree, like say an arthouse Nicolas Winding Refn movie like Only God Forgives, which got booed by audiences and I absolutely love it. Not the case though with Dirty Grandpa because no part of me was confident I might enjoy it, but the combination of terrible reviews and wanting to see just how deep in the tank De Niro went for this, considering he was one of my favorite actors growing up, made it impossible to resist. I told myself, there must be SOMETHING redeeming for De Niro to sign on after reading the script. No. It really is that awful.

      I gave it a half star because my zero stars are reserved for films that are just as terrible as this but also actually offend me in some way. Very few films in history are that low, but it can happen. I wasn't offended by the gross humor in Dirty Grandpa, it just wasn't funny. Also, I actually did work up a smile at one single line of dialogue (no joke, I not only didn't laugh once, I was able to count my single smile), but that was quickly offset by more unfunny material.

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