Saturday, May 21, 2016

The 5th Wave Review

The 1st wave, I checked the clock on the wall to see what time it was. How long had it been since I pressed play? A little over an hour?

Balls. 8 minutes.

The 2nd wave, I ate some cookies and drank a tall glass of milk. 2 percent. 2nd wave. Coincidence? Of course. A delicious one.

The 3rd wave, everyone gets some sort of avian flu. Body bags everywhere. I had a slight tickle in my throat. I dramatically wonder aloud to myself as I looked at the once beautiful but now battered and bloated man staring back in the mirror...are terrible films contagious? No time to wait and find out. The damage was already done. I had to amputate my left arm. Even now I am not sure why, but it felt right.

The 2nd wave was cookies and milk. That was a much better wave.

The 4th wave hits and I am watching yet another god damn young adult dystopian franchise film try to build a romance from two characters that have about as much chemistry as me and that raccoon that once tore open the side of my house in search of a place to rest. I hired a guy to put a trap on my roof, and by the next morning it was stuck inside it looking quite feeble. I never saw that critter again.

The 5th wave arrived when I realized how badly I had to go to the bathroom. I did so without pausing the film. From there I heard a lot of atrocious dialogue and gun shots, which is essentially the entire movie from start to finish. A lot of the conversing between young characters in the film is just finding excuses to yell the word shit, which reminded me a lot of myself in 5th grade trying to impress my first crush. It didn't work then and it sure as hell isn't working now. Instead of a gun though, I typically had a 64 ounce soda and a pack of cupcakes in hand. Remember when I self-described myself as battered and bloated? I think I just found the root of that problem.

I blamed the 2nd wave for how long it took in the restroom, and I repeat the 1st wave as I exit on my way back to the couch. Not touching that 3rd wave again though. It's hard enough to type this with only one.

A painfully boring cinematic slog that seemingly appeals to absolutely no one, The 5th Wave is what happens when tired tropes crash at full speed into uninspired dialogue, forgettable set pieces and a total disregard for the concept of characters being even remotely interesting. I just finished watching the film and I remember basically everything that happened, yet I couldn't even begin to put those moments into a chronological order. It's not because the storytelling was at all complicated or challenging, it's because I can't even muster a fuck to give. Just sequences I have seen numerous times before in other (better) films lazily thrown at the screen, one by one until it ends. Will I even remember that this picture exists two weeks from now? Probably, but the recollections of plot or performance will be fleeting. I still like you, Chloe Grace Moretz, and I look forward to far more compelling work from you in the future. Hell, just a year ago I saw you in Clouds of Sils Maria. That was fun. Let's do that again sometime.

I watch a lot of really bad films, but at least with many of them the memories down the road become fond because their quality is humorous. Fun bad, I like to call it. Perhaps an inside joke between friends or family. The biggest negative I can say about The 5th Wave is that there will be no memories and no jokes. There is no fun to be had.



  1. And this is why the YA genre seems to be dying on film. You've seen this in every single other film, that nothing in this is worth it. I've always been confused by the romance in YA, only girls would appreciate that, and even then it's so cliche and painfully childish that even them wouldn't buy it.

    1. There is absolutely nothing worthwhile in this film. Nothing. It's everything we have seen before, only done better in previous YA films.

  2. Whenever I see Chloe Grace Moretz, I think of Hit Girl and it always brings a smile to my face. She will always be a 13 year old foul mouthed bad ass in my mind.

    1. Agreed. Roughly halfway through this movie, I wanted to stop watching and turn on Kick-Ass instead.